"How to Believe in Yourself Again"

12 Reflections Inspired by the Article, "How to Believe in Yourself Again", Purpose Fairy, Added by Luminita Saviuc on 11, June 2015

Reflection #1:  "Make peace with where you are"

"There's no need to fight against what is.  Resistance is futile.  If you want to get out of this dark world you are now in, back to feeling safe, happy and secure, and back to believing in yoursef, you first need to make peace with where you are, with how your life looks at this moment, and with everything that led to this situation.  Only by doing so, will you have the necessary power and energy to change your present life situation."

Measuring time....

I saw something on Facebook today that made me think of you, but then again, that is not new.  I think of you everyday.  In just about every aspect of life, I find myself thinking "What could have been or what would you be doing or who would you be today".  I find myself measuring time from the time you left.  When I think about life back then, it is always thought about either before you died or after you died.  Our life as we knew it changed that day and its like a whole new life started the day you left.  Although there are many positive things that happen in this new life, I would give them all back for our life with you in it. I look at life as a gift now, where before I may have taken it for granted.  I appreciate things more now, where before I may not have noticed them, BUT, I would rather have you and figure that all out in a different way.  Why did your death have to be part of the lesson we are learning in this life?  There will never be an answer that is good enough for me....Its been almost 2 years since you died son and I find myself thinking about what we were doing this time, 2 years ago...I miss you more than words could ever describe...this time measurement without you seems eternal...it's Hell and it will only end when I can stop measuring, when we are together once again.

"New opportunities to use my special skills now open up for me"

This affirmation couldn't be more true this week.  I just completed my first 2 days of classes at PIHMA and I am so excited to begin this intriguing journey into Oriental medicine. I have always been fascinated with the "mystic" and the ancient traditions of Eastern cultures and being at the school for the short time that I have feels like I have come to the right place.  I am so excited to begin learning and while I do not kid myself about the intensity and sweat that will go into the next 4+ years, I feel at peace and feel as though I am making the right decision.  This was not a feeling that I got when I went into the MSW program.  I tried to make it work, but I would leave everyday from classes with an uneasy feeling.  Now I see the difference and I feel totally at peace with this change.  One of the assignments for the Qigong class is to keep a daily log on how our individual practice makes us feel and how it impacts our lives. This is a great chance for me to get in touch with my energies and to take time for myself each day to reflect and to build that solid foundation for the day.  Namaste.

"I think big and allow myself to accept even more good in my life"

To me, this means that I am thinking beyond this moment, that I am setting my sights on the positive things that can be.  While there is no sense in stressing about the past or fretting about the future, I believe that it is important to have a positive vision for the future.  While we are not guaranteed tomorrow, what happens if we never prepare for it? When it gets here, what will we be left with?  Starting school and staying in both programs allows me to think big and when I complete these degrees, I will have even more good in my life.  I will have options and will be able to give more of myself to my clients.  I will be able to give both physical and emotional healing.  The desire to work with MISS families remains and I believe that in a professional capacity, I will be able to offer so much to them to foster a life of healing and productivity.  Jason's death was not it vain and I will live each day in a way that honors his memory.  Being patient with my kids, showing them love, appreciating and loving Mark are all ways that I can do so in my home and furthering my education is a way that I can do so outside the home.  As tomorrow approaches and this journey begins, I pray for strength and direction and affirmation that I am doing the right thing when things get tough and this task seems impossible.  Namaste

"I am always in touch with my creative source"

This mantra definitely suites my creative side.  I have noticed that since Jason's death, I am more in touch with the creativity that I have been blessed with.  I do not necessarily know if it means that I am more open to new ideas or if I have opened my heart to the ideas that were always there.  We learned in class that people's brains can physically change after the loss of a loved one (traumatic event).  I know, without a doubt, that I have undergone changes. I started painting, doing photography, biking, running...I don't know if it is busy work to keep me going or if this is just a way to express what I am feeling at the time, but either way, I am happy that I am able to do these things that I enjoy.   As the month of August begins, school starts and routines start back up.  No doubt that life will get busy and crazy once again and that my sleeping till noon days will be over. (Loved it!)  Despite the hustle and bustle of "life as normal" I am hopeful that I can stay in touch with the hobbies that make me feel good and relaxed.  I am blessed to be able to express myself in various ways and don't want to lose touch with the creative energies that flow through my being. Namaste!

Garden of Sorrows

My Garden of Sorrows

Beauty is all around me, yet my soul continues to ache

The trees, the flowers, the signing birds tend to a wound so deep

While nature blooms, my heart sinks. Deeper, deeper…..

Will my eyes open to that which blossoms?

Will my heart heal from that which there is no cure?

Healing, comfort, and joy come to me

I close my eyes to remember, I embrace the tears as they flow

You are near me, you surround me with your presence, your love,

your light

In my Garden of Sorrows, my healing blossoms, with you by my side...

This drawing depicts the broken hearted. Although life continues to blossom and flourish, the wounds that death brings to the soul may be overshadowed. It is when the wounded transform from the sadness to remembrance that they can see the beauty that surrounds them. This transformation does not have a timetable. It may be months or years, or in some cases, never. However, once the transformation occurs, a sense of peace and tranquility can soothe even the deepest wounds. Though the wounds may be tended to in a newfound perspective, the scar will forever remain.

When my son, Jason died, I was in so much shock and disbelief. How is it possible that he is gone? How is it possible that I watched him take his last breath, that I heard him utter his last words? Did this really happen? Was it just a nightmare? The shock wears off and the reality sets in. Yes, he did die. Yes, his body is gone. Yes, I am a bereaved mother. This is my new life. This is who I am now.

I realize that I have several choices following Jason’s death. I could harden my heart to those around me and could sink into a place so dark that the light around me makes no difference. I could let my grief stop me from fulfilling what I am capable of achieving. I have a choice.

My son is too important to me to stop living. I need to live my life in a positive, productive way. I need to let him live through me. I am making the choice to be a happy person, despite the incredible sadness that will always have a home in my heart. Don’t get me wrong, there are days where the world seems like an unfair, hateful place, there are days where my Garden of Sorrow has no light. It is at these times that I am trying to make the conscious effort to life up my heart, take in the air around me, and smile at the beauty in my Garden. Life and death are close companions and in my Garden of Sorrows, I can embrace both.

In Loving Memory of my Son, Jason Michael Sanchez

04.02.1997 – 09.11.2008

Forever in our Heart

                             Here's the pic we did for Mark's Father's Day Card